Growing up in the shadow of a man, I knew what I would become. But, what kind of man do I want to be? Conventional wisdom has it in Happy Valley Utah that the greatest joy is submission to a woman. So is that it? I eat, I work, I bleed, just to please. I give it my all, I give it myself. I'm going to take what I've seen carefully casted in a shadow and prefect it in the shadow of tomorrow. There is nothing right about the father who tells his son to go do something he wouldn't do himself. I didn't teach my self how to work, I learned. He gave me his time and he could of gotten it done a lot quicker by himself. That shadow my father casted never was his. In the shadows we grow, we become, and we one day teach someone in the shadows they call their own.
As I reflect back on my life when I was younger I remember thinking the kids in high school are gigantic. Now that I am here I can look back and see they are small, but I still feel like the same person. Gold Finger couldn't of said it better "So here I am growing older all the time, looking older all the time feeling younger in my mind". Personally I don't feel I will truly grow up until I become a father. Its a transformation where you become this person whose selfless. Its like when everyone is running out of a burning building, firefighters run in. When your sick and contagious a fathers there patting you on the back as you toss your cookies in the bowl. As kid my brother was maybe four watching my dad toss his cookies he came up and started patting him on the back. Learned by example is the human race. As a father you are mending minds if you ruin them you ruin society, they need to be treated with respect. When a mistake is made as a father, their needs to be an apology. The rules you make for them you must follow yourself so if you have to put some age limits on it
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Really great and full of emotion, you got me hooked! But you left me hanging! What is your gift? Make that a little clearer, but great! A good introduction is the bestpart of writing to me, and the
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This is really awesome! makes me wanna read the rest of it, but i do agree wit jasey, u might wanna make your gift more clearer, but you have something really great here. :)
ReplyDeleteI wasn't quite sure what your gift was. It was interesting to read though.
ReplyDeleteI really like your approach. I'm not too sure what you're gift is though. Try to make it a little more clear. Other than that, this prompt got me interested from the beginning, nice job!
ReplyDeleteI really like the very first sentence, "Growing up in the shodow of a man, I knew what I would become." It was a really good hook!
ReplyDeleteI think you were trying to create a background or story before you revealed your final gift, maybe like you wanted to show that you wanted to be your own person.
I would maybe recommend making your gift more clearer first, but I do like the way you started. Maybe also make your metaphors more clear, but over all very good :)
What I read: you talk about your upbringing. Life in Happy Valley (Utah Valley?). Hypocrites are bad. Your father taught you how to work. What we learn, we then teach to our own children (pay it forward). You think high schoolers are awesome until you became a high schooler. You won't grow up until you become a father yourself. Fathers are selfless. Help us while we puke.
ReplyDeleteWhat I think: you're saying the gift is a father? Like, a father's gift is being an example to his child. Or, it's a gift to have a selfless father? I think your gift is you becoming a father to your children the same way your father was to you. So your gift is not for everyone, just your kids.
Suggestions: Make your gift clear. You don't have to say: "the gift I'd like to give is..." but if your gift will be to be a good father to your children, make that clear. Also, a lot of grammar mistakes. Some of these will be corrected in spell check, but not all (it's not "couldn't of" it's "couldn't have"....know the difference between ITS and IT'S....). You mention that society is ruined by fathers who don't fulfill responsibilities. Give us a specific example or illustration of that instead of making a general statement.
Here's what I read, noticed. What stood out to me: i noticed how much you adore your dad.i think its great that you look up to him that much.
ReplyDeleteHere's what I think you were trying to do: i think you were trying to give the gift of being a example. instead of trying to be so vague the whole time maybe you should be clear in some parts of the story. like add another story and tell exactly what happened.
Here's a suggestion of how you could make it better: i think this was amazing! it really shows what a happy together famiyl can be like. very good, i enjoyed reading it.
I noticed a feeling of family. I also noticed that there was no ending which was frustrating.
ReplyDeleteI think you were trying to portray a revernce towards your father.
You might want to say that you asslo want to become a father(or someone like your father). In any case you need to finish it.
Make your gift clearer. I didn't fully understand what it is...I enjoyed the personal aspects of the essay, keep that up. I feel that adding personality to an essay is a wonderful thing. Add some more metaphors to help this.
ReplyDeleteOverall, what you got here is great and it could really turn out be an awesome essay.
PS: Here are a couple bands you may enjoy based on some of the bands you have posted:
-REM
-The Firm
-The Verve
-The Velvet Underground